Imposter Syndrome - You're Okay

 

A friend of mine posted an intriguing question on Facebook. “Do you ever get imposter syndrome, like you just don’t feel you measure up to what you are meant to do and hope no one finds out? 

I found the following definition from Wikipedia:  Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor
phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their skills, talents, or accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud". Despite external evidence of their competence, those experiencing this phenomenon remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve all they have achieved.

My initial feeling was to simply reply, that yes, I had experienced these feelings on many occasions.  As I thought about those occasions and information learned over the years, I felt impressed to share a little more about the different reasons people experience a form of what is described above. 

No matter how you define it, the overall feelings are negative.  Stress grows and can easily lead to feelings of total despair and/or depression.  Some people have expressed that it feels like being a failure.  Others have stated it often feels like being of no worth.  Some have told me the feelings are more like a child who has been caught in a lie.  One person described a feeling of living in a make-believe world he couldn’t escape.  Common feelings that have been shared include self-doubt, fear, apprehension, lack of self-esteem, false beliefs and loss or lack of faith in change.    Many of these feelings are also where the feelings which preceded the feeling of being unreal.

I can’t explain all the reasons people experience these emotions, but I can explain a few that I or others have found contribute. 

One of the first reasons we may look at is the human tendency to compare ourselves to others.  No two people are exactly alike, have the same experiences, same opportunities or the same combination of strengths and weaknesses.  It follows then that no two people will have the same life.  We are often encouraged to look for those that appear successful, on occasion even being influenced to see a particular person as such or someone we should desire to be like.  Who are we looking at?  What are we looking at or for? The natural next step is to start looking at what they have you or I may not – a lifestyle, a large home, a reported net worth, a supposed social following or even acquaintance with others we believe are successful.  Comparison nearly always is based on a false belief that for someone to be a winner, anyone not exactly like them must be less than, a loser. 

A second reason many people experience a feeling of being an imposter is because they live life with expectations.   We see or hear success stories and believe that we too can do just what they have.  Myself, I know belief and hope is good.  The reason many get discouraged is when expectations are not met as we imagined or planned.  It is important to remember every thing and every one is not on, nor should be, on the same time schedules. What occurs quickly for one, may take time for another.  Growth, learning and experience don’t come about by demand, they come with time, patience, effort and sometimes endurance.  Expectation is the opposite of trust and faith.  It is not surprising when we start to expect a certain result, at a certain time, in a certain way that we lose trust that things are progressing and occurring in a perfect way at any given moment.  Expectations, unmet, changed or different that planned breed feelings of failure, or not being or becoming what we expected to be, an imposter or pretender. 

Another important element I see that is important to think about is whether one is living authentically, being the unique individual he/she is or has always been.  Living authentically means being true to our values and true beliefs of right or wrong.  When our values and choices are out of alignment, it is not surprising we may, and probably do, feel as though we are an imposter, someone we aren’t, or perhaps don’t deep within want to become, even though our efforts are currently focused in a certain direction or path.  Perhaps we looked up to someone as a guide, a mentor, someone who we believed had answers and wisdom we felt we needed or someone we thought we wanted to be.  Yet as time progresses, we begin to see some of what we saw was in many aspects an illusion.  As we learn and experience on our own terms, our own ways we begin to question whether we are willing to change our values, personal strengths, and abilities to become like someone else.  A person who is filled with excitement and warmth in learning tools he/she can call upon to enrich and empower those around him, would struggle internally in thinking he must use those same tools and knowledge to persuade, manipulate, control, or take advantage of another person to reach a particular level of perceived success.  If love and making connection with others is an inherent part of their being/personality it makes sense they may feel unreal if they choose to aspire to a level of defined success that requires them to be distant, professional, or uncaring of how their actions or words affect others.   It is important that we love ourselves.  If we lose love for self it follows that we may feel we must force ourselves or pretend to love and serve others. 

The last thing I would take the time to note is that imposter syndrome can be a result of choices that at this moment we question. Perhaps at a previous time we may have felt inspired to make a particular choice, to set a particularly high goal,  Yet life did not go as anticipated.  A challenge came up, a life or relationship changed, and now we feel overwhelmed.  We find ourselves asking “What was I thinking?  How could I have said, Yes?”   We question who we are, what we are doing, how and why.   Perhaps the choice was to make an investment in education or a property, yet on this day we see a shortage on the return.  Things are harder, taking longer or not progressing as we hoped or visualized. It doesn’t mean we give up, but we may struggle with stress over whether we have done enough or long enough. 

So why do I take the time to share these thoughts with you? Because I want you to know and understand that if you are experiencing any of these feelings- you are Okay.  There is nothing wrong with you.    You are just being human. According to Valerie Young, during a TED Talk given June 5,2017,  over 70% (seventy percent) of people experience these feelings.   I want you to know that if you can recognize and embrace your feelings you can move through them.  Whatever you want to call the arrival of these feelings, impostor phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience, it is an opportunity.  Something or someone, a high source, your inner knowing or  your consciousness is telling you it is time to review. 

Stop. Place your hands over your heart. Listen to hear.  Breathe. Rethink and reevaluate.  Pray.  In other words whatever works for you is perfect.  Then step wherever you are inspired and keep stepping along until the next time. 

Sometimes- Do What's Best for You

Sometimes you have to do whats best for you and your life not what's best for everyone else.



This is really appropriate for me right now.  It is a reminder to fill my own bucket with love and good moments so that I have a reserve I can use for others.

For me, that means I work on getting some of my stories ready to publish and not worry about whether the house is in the best shape it could be. It means I don't feel guilty about taking myself to lunch at an inexpensive restaurant.  It means I choose to not feel guilty about going to see my parents because it means the family will need to wait an extra hour or two for dinner.  It means getting up early to take a bubble bath alone, lighting only a single candle and playing some soothing music.  It means buying a new CD to listen to on the way to work instead of the news or traffic reports.   It even means volunteering to be on the board of the HOA. (OK, that one will take some explaining at a later date.)

So why are these little breaks and changes important to me?  Because they evoke a change. A relaxing bath alone allows me to relax muscles tightening from stress or pent up feelings.  A soothing bath for me is the best place to allow tears to flow and mingle with the calm around me.  When I emerge from the tub, I am relaxed and  can handle the interruptions and demands with more patience and understanding instead of instantly reacting.  Taking myself to lunch interrupts the pressures and stress of an especially frantic, eventful day. The hour it takes to be served and eat allows enough time to focus on something beside the office politics. I can back away from the issues and see where or with whom the problem lies and disengage myself  from trying to make everything better or take blame for something that wasn't my problem in the first place.  I can then return to work, be more supportive of finding a solution and look at options instead of just reacting to what was said or done.     Whenever I visit  my parents, I always seem to leave with a feeling that I can handle whatever life throws me.  It is not always something they necessarily say or do, but when I see them I am reminded that struggles come and go, and all we really need to do is just keep doing and being our best. 

The point is, for even a few minutes, once in a while it is OK to think of yourself first, and the important people of your life second.  It is OK to handle your stress, depression, mood or feelings.  It is OK to find a refreshing release from the pressures of work, family, church or self-expectations for short moments so that you can come back to all of these things with a fresh attitude or perspective.  It is OK to fill your bucket with love, peace and happiness.  When you do you have something to share with others.  When you fill your bucket with things that make you feel good, it will naturally, without effort spill over to others around you. 

Express Gratitude

"Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it:" - Unknown

I have found this quote several times during the last week while browsing the internet as part of a personal project at work.  Each time I read it brings to mind something I have not expressed gratitude for lately.  It is a reminder to me to notice and express pleasure in little things that happen I may not do otherwise.  There is encouragement in this quote to share and talk with others about the positive things in life.

Gratitude begins with a feeling of appreciation  which until it is expressed in some manner, be it through song, written word or verbal announcement, it stays within.  We can choose to stay focused inside ourselves or decide to reach out and share with others.  This is the moment when the feeling turns from appreciation to gratitude, h from a recognition of something pleasant to being thankful.   The next natural step is the joy that comes from allowing someone else, in even a small way, to share your happiness and perhaps be encouraged to look at their own circumstances for blessings and the good they are surrounded by. 

I encourage you to take a few moments to reflect on your life. What are the things you enjoy doing, having or learning?  Who are the people that make a difference in or touch your life?  What talents, skills or special knowledge do you have?  What activities do you participate in that make your life better, richer or more meaningful?  What things do you own or use that someone else might not have or would like to have?  Are there places you go that bring you pleasure?  Do you believe in a higher source of power, inspiration or guidance? How is your health or how do the systems and parts of your body work from day to day? 

Now find a way to express the feelings you have.  Write a poem.  Dance with a family member.  Sing a song.  Tell someone you care.  Send a letter to someone.  Draw a picture.  Shout out your feelings.  Express your thoughts in prayer.  However you choose to do it, enjoy and give away the gift of gratitude. 

A Part of Your Life



 wwwgoodmorningquote.com/letting-go-quotes-images/

"The only thing that makes it a part of your life is that you keep thinking about it."

 

In reviewing a list of quotes, this one stood out for me because I knew it was true.  Recently a series of moments, during what I would call a less than perfect day, left me feeling depressed, frustrated, unhappy and questioning my decision and who I thought I was..  I kept thinking,  about the day, consciously or unconsciously, allowing myself to stay in that same frame of mind, each day getting more depressed and lower in my self-esteem.   

The first thing I had to do was to realize  I was holding on to the experience by thinking and analyzing whether I should or shouldn't feel the way I was. The thing which was triggering my thinking was a dent in my new car.   I couldn't change the dent, but I could change my perspective or thinking about it.  Instead of viewing the dent as a reminder of something wrong, a bad day or unusual choices I needed to allow it to be simply what it was a dent.   I could continue to dwell on all the reasons it had occurred or stop thinking and let it be a moment in life, something that occurred but didn't make a lot of difference as life and time moved on.  Just as the dent was a minor flaw on an otherwise smooth metal surface, so the experience was just a wrinkle in the otherwise smooth flow of good days I had been enjoying and the ones that followed.  

The dent has not disappeared, but my depression, lowered self-esteem and feeling of frustration have.  I no longer dwell on what I should or could have done differently that particular day.  Now, if I happen to notice the dent, it serves as a reminder to let the small things in life be small and enjoy the abundance of good things and wonderful moments I experience everyday. 

The choice is yours. Are you going to allow something negative to remain by continuing to dwell on and think about it or let it go so something better can become a part of your life? 

Anger Management- Sit Down and Think

Both my sister and my daughter shared this on Facebook.  I couldn't help but chuckle, and I hope you do too.  I know, beside the cute puppies, what I liked about this is that I could relate.  Admit it,  you have probably wished more than once that you could get away doing just this very thing to a someone you are angry with.  I know I have, more than once.  (More times than I would like to admit.)  


The message though is so true.  It does help to sit down and think about the problem.  What is it you are angry about?  Experience has shown me that it is rarely what I initially tell myself I am angry about.  When I take the time to sit and think about the situation it is a feeling that was triggered, a memory that surfaced, the way I perceived the situation or a belief which was challenged.   I learned many years ago, that if I say I am angry at someone or with someone, it is never about them.  It is always about me.  Taking the time to sit and think allows the initial feeling of anger to dissipate so I can recognize the true feeling of disappointment, frustration, annoyance or hurt that is beneath the surface.  Taking the time to sit and think allows you the chance to look at the situation or other person with a clearer view.  Are you angry with other person because of something you believe they did or said, or are you angry with yourself for allowing the other person to do or say something or act in a way that triggered something within you don't like. 
Once you have identified the deeper feeling, you can move forward in dealing with the anger.  Take a few moments longer to sit and think about the problem.  What can you do about the situation? Can you make it better ?  Can you make a change so the situation or person is more tolerable?  Or is this one of those times when there is nothing you can do but accept what is until a change occurs? 

If you have found your answer you can get up and move.  Release the feelings and let them go.   Release the feelings about the other person and let them move on either with you or away from you.  Get up and get away from the problem .  Find or seek out what gives you peace, joy and happiness.


I hope the next time you are angry, you can remember this picture.  Maybe it will give a moment to feel laughter instead of anger.  Maybe it will be a reminder to tackle the problem in a different way.  Maybe it will remind you to stop, take a breath and think before reacting.  What ever it does for you is perfect.    Have fun and stay happy.