Imposter Syndrome - You're Okay

 

A friend of mine posted an intriguing question on Facebook. “Do you ever get imposter syndrome, like you just don’t feel you measure up to what you are meant to do and hope no one finds out? 

I found the following definition from Wikipedia:  Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor
phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their skills, talents, or accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud". Despite external evidence of their competence, those experiencing this phenomenon remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve all they have achieved.

My initial feeling was to simply reply, that yes, I had experienced these feelings on many occasions.  As I thought about those occasions and information learned over the years, I felt impressed to share a little more about the different reasons people experience a form of what is described above. 

No matter how you define it, the overall feelings are negative.  Stress grows and can easily lead to feelings of total despair and/or depression.  Some people have expressed that it feels like being a failure.  Others have stated it often feels like being of no worth.  Some have told me the feelings are more like a child who has been caught in a lie.  One person described a feeling of living in a make-believe world he couldn’t escape.  Common feelings that have been shared include self-doubt, fear, apprehension, lack of self-esteem, false beliefs and loss or lack of faith in change.    Many of these feelings are also where the feelings which preceded the feeling of being unreal.

I can’t explain all the reasons people experience these emotions, but I can explain a few that I or others have found contribute. 

One of the first reasons we may look at is the human tendency to compare ourselves to others.  No two people are exactly alike, have the same experiences, same opportunities or the same combination of strengths and weaknesses.  It follows then that no two people will have the same life.  We are often encouraged to look for those that appear successful, on occasion even being influenced to see a particular person as such or someone we should desire to be like.  Who are we looking at?  What are we looking at or for? The natural next step is to start looking at what they have you or I may not – a lifestyle, a large home, a reported net worth, a supposed social following or even acquaintance with others we believe are successful.  Comparison nearly always is based on a false belief that for someone to be a winner, anyone not exactly like them must be less than, a loser. 

A second reason many people experience a feeling of being an imposter is because they live life with expectations.   We see or hear success stories and believe that we too can do just what they have.  Myself, I know belief and hope is good.  The reason many get discouraged is when expectations are not met as we imagined or planned.  It is important to remember every thing and every one is not on, nor should be, on the same time schedules. What occurs quickly for one, may take time for another.  Growth, learning and experience don’t come about by demand, they come with time, patience, effort and sometimes endurance.  Expectation is the opposite of trust and faith.  It is not surprising when we start to expect a certain result, at a certain time, in a certain way that we lose trust that things are progressing and occurring in a perfect way at any given moment.  Expectations, unmet, changed or different that planned breed feelings of failure, or not being or becoming what we expected to be, an imposter or pretender. 

Another important element I see that is important to think about is whether one is living authentically, being the unique individual he/she is or has always been.  Living authentically means being true to our values and true beliefs of right or wrong.  When our values and choices are out of alignment, it is not surprising we may, and probably do, feel as though we are an imposter, someone we aren’t, or perhaps don’t deep within want to become, even though our efforts are currently focused in a certain direction or path.  Perhaps we looked up to someone as a guide, a mentor, someone who we believed had answers and wisdom we felt we needed or someone we thought we wanted to be.  Yet as time progresses, we begin to see some of what we saw was in many aspects an illusion.  As we learn and experience on our own terms, our own ways we begin to question whether we are willing to change our values, personal strengths, and abilities to become like someone else.  A person who is filled with excitement and warmth in learning tools he/she can call upon to enrich and empower those around him, would struggle internally in thinking he must use those same tools and knowledge to persuade, manipulate, control, or take advantage of another person to reach a particular level of perceived success.  If love and making connection with others is an inherent part of their being/personality it makes sense they may feel unreal if they choose to aspire to a level of defined success that requires them to be distant, professional, or uncaring of how their actions or words affect others.   It is important that we love ourselves.  If we lose love for self it follows that we may feel we must force ourselves or pretend to love and serve others. 

The last thing I would take the time to note is that imposter syndrome can be a result of choices that at this moment we question. Perhaps at a previous time we may have felt inspired to make a particular choice, to set a particularly high goal,  Yet life did not go as anticipated.  A challenge came up, a life or relationship changed, and now we feel overwhelmed.  We find ourselves asking “What was I thinking?  How could I have said, Yes?”   We question who we are, what we are doing, how and why.   Perhaps the choice was to make an investment in education or a property, yet on this day we see a shortage on the return.  Things are harder, taking longer or not progressing as we hoped or visualized. It doesn’t mean we give up, but we may struggle with stress over whether we have done enough or long enough. 

So why do I take the time to share these thoughts with you? Because I want you to know and understand that if you are experiencing any of these feelings- you are Okay.  There is nothing wrong with you.    You are just being human. According to Valerie Young, during a TED Talk given June 5,2017,  over 70% (seventy percent) of people experience these feelings.   I want you to know that if you can recognize and embrace your feelings you can move through them.  Whatever you want to call the arrival of these feelings, impostor phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience, it is an opportunity.  Something or someone, a high source, your inner knowing or  your consciousness is telling you it is time to review. 

Stop. Place your hands over your heart. Listen to hear.  Breathe. Rethink and reevaluate.  Pray.  In other words whatever works for you is perfect.  Then step wherever you are inspired and keep stepping along until the next time. 

Cultivating an Attitude of Happiness

Happiness cannot really be defined.  It is a state of being or a feeling we each decide for ourselves.  Since we are all unique and special  we each define and seek happiness differently.     What makes me feel happy may or may not be on someone else's list  or give them the exact same warm, fuzzy feeling(s).  What someone else feels is needed before they can say they are happy may be something I have not even thought of or doesn't seem important to me.

Happiness is generally defined as "a feeling of being happy."  What happy is for each of us is just as undefinable, but is often seen as a moment of enjoyment.   That enjoyment may encompass a variety of other pleasant feelings, including (among other feelings): peace, joy, cheerfulness, satisfaction and pleasure.  Happiness is changeable.  What we define as happiness one day may, based on circumstances, feel like something we are still seeking the next day.

While happiness is hard to pin down, we each still seek to find and hold on to that state of being or feeling.  Happiness is an attitude we choose to adopt.  Our end goals or perceptions may vary but the things we do to find  personal happiness are often very similar.  Below is a list of a few things I have found are common ways we cultivate happiness.  I feel certain, if you are or have experienced happiness, whether the feeling was short or lingering, you used one or more of these life skills.

1. 1. Savor the moment - experience one positive moment.  No matter what else seems to be going on, look for and find one thing that makes the moment memorable. 
2. Connect with others - experiencing the support from or a connection with another person can make problems more bearable or put concerns and worries in perspective
3. Curtail comparisons - stop judging yourself or others based on what you think you see.  Let go of what you think is perfect.
4. Practice non-judgemental awareness - Remember we are all doing our best in the moment  Give yourself and others a break. 
5. Cultivate realistic thinking-  Balance your thoughts and thinking.  Be aware of the possibility of outcomes but also realize and know you have coping skills to deal with, overcome or even avoid those outcomes 
6. Develop self-care practices - Take care of yourself.  Integrate habits and routines in your life which keep you healthy,  both physically, mentally and spiritually.
7. Simplify - Choose easy. Reinvent your life to decrease stress and personal pressures. 
8. Have fun and laugh -   Allow yourself the freedom to enjoy-  Read or tell a joke.  Decide to do something out of the ordinary.  Play a game, run a race, watch a  parade or simply go for a walk.  
9. Share Gratitude- Recognize what you already have- Thank someone for something they have done. Look for and see the good that already exists for and around you. 
10. Live a meaningful and authentic life - Be true to yourself and your values. Be who you are, not who you or someone else thinks you should be. 

Cultivate Happiness in your life.  Dig  down in your thoughts and plan the garden you would like to enjoy.  Plant seeds of satisfaction and gratitude.  Nurture and care about your feelings, wishes and desires.  Allow time for growth.  Weed out the negative. Watch for the buds to appear and celebrate the opening petals of joy.    Then enjoy the beauty of happiness. 

Want It More

"Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it." - Bill Cosby

What do you want?  Do you want to learn new skills?  Do you want to change a habit?   do you want to meet someone? Do you want to try something you have never tried before?  Do you want to buy something?  Do you want to go somewhere?  Do you want to change employment?  Do you want to start your own business?  Do you want to share with someone? 

We all have wants.  Wants may appear in many forms.  We may get an idea, have a dream, feel a yearning, make a wish or see something we hadn't noticed or thought about before.  Some days they wait patiently to be acknowledged.  Other days they demand to be noticed, felt or acted upon.  Rarely, once acknowledged, if not acted upon, they will slip away and be replaced by a new want. More often, if not acted upon, wants have a tendency to make us feel uneasy, unhappy or uncomfortable with what we presently have or what we are presently doing. They push us to try, experiment, move, reach out, expand, learn and grow.

There may be many reasons we do not act to fulfill our wants and wishes.  One of the biggest reasons I have heard from people I know, and I face myself, is fear.  I have heard fear defined as "False Evidence Appearing Real".  My Merriam Webster Dictionary defines fear as "an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat". However you define pain, it is something that often gets in our way of acting on or fulfilling our wants and wishes to have, to be, to improve or to accomplish something of worth, value or excellence.  

The advice above has come to mind many times over the past year as I have been faced with challenges and decisions.  I wanted a new home of our own.  My biggest fear was that I would get locked into a mortgage and then be unable to pay for it in the future because of a change in income.  I had to decide that I wanted a home we could call our own more than I was afraid of the possibility of change of employment or means of supporting my family.  As a result we were blessed to find a wonderful home we all enjoy.   Just this month I had to decide joining a local writing group and learning from other writers was more important to me than the fear of rejection or misunderstanding. 
As a result I enjoyed a wonderful writer's conference and met some people I am eager to have more contact with. 

I encourage you today to empower yourself. Look at the things you want, decide what is most important to you right now and then push through the wall of fear that has blocked your way.  Want it more than you are afraid. You deserve to enjoy the pleasures, growth and excitement that will come your way.  . 

Nothing is Impossible

shutterstock.com/impossible

Nothing is impossible - the word itself says "I'm Possible."

How many times have you or I found ourselves looking at a project, idea, task or offer and said "That is impossible!"  How many times have you then tried anyway and proved it was indeed possible?  Or seen someone else succeed at what you perceived as impossible to accomplish? 

Many times it is not the idea or task that seems impossible, it is the way we initially expect or envision it happening, and perhaps we could be right.  However, in almost everything, there is more than one way to try, act or accomplish it.  Many years ago I sat in a room with about seventy-five others and were challenged to cross a room.  The only rule was that you could not do it exactly the same as anyone before you.  The idea seemed impossible, after all there are only so many ways to walk, run or skip, or so we believed.  As the challenge proceeded, imagination and thought grew among the group.  Not everyone walked, or ran, or skipped or used shoes or feet or held their arms or hands or feet the same.  We found surprisingly that not only were there 75 different ways to cross a room, but also many more we did not have time to attempt. The experience was one of the best I have ever had in helping me understand that if something looks or sounds impossible, I need to take a second look and remember the way may just be something I haven't thought of or tried yet. 

What looks or feels impossible to you right now?  Now say to you yourself, this is possible.  Take another look and try something different. Remember too, what seems impossible for one person may be absolutely possible for someone else only because they did or thought of something the other person had not explored yet.  Remember you are the one that may be perfect, have the knowledge, will, determination, experiences or imagination to do what someone else also thought impossible. 

Take a chance. Look for the IM POSSIBLE ways in everything you see or try.






Night Talk

I found this picture again the other day as I was browsing through some pictures I had saved from browsing sessions on FaceBook I don't know about you, but this happens to me frequently.  The most frequent time for me is in the middle of the night.  I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow, but a few hours later, I awake for some reason, but now I can't get back to sleep.  It is as though my mind decides, since it gave me 2 or 3 hours of rest, now I have no reason to do anything other than think, remember, plan, worry, fret or wonder. 

So, what do I do?  Nothing.  I allow my mind to wander and stop worrying about whether I should or should not be sleeping.   I find that this is also my most productive thinking time.  I have found, at least for myself, that paying attention makes my next day(s) go much smoother. 

Most often it is not the words I pay attention to as much as the feelings and emotions I experience.  Perhaps I am rehearsing words I wish I could say to someone but know it would not be a good idea or I am afraid of the results.  I don't necessarily want to fight with someone, but I do want to feel I have control or a choice in a particular situation.  If the thoughts are about something that has already happened, I take the opportunity to look at the feeling of whether I feel good about what happened, how I reacted or the outcome.  Recognizing the lasting feelings, I can readjust my reactions to the outcome, either accepting what is or coming up with a way to create a different outcome I can feel differently about.   Sometimes the thoughts are about something I need to do at work or forgot to do that day.  In this case it is not always the project or assignment I am stressing over, but rather a desire to be more efficient, focused or aware.  Knowing this is the real reason I may be awake, I can release the emotion and move past it, focusing on the strengths I have rather than the weaknesses that occasionally get in the way of being my best self.      

I have also found, the sooner I give in to letting my thoughts wander, not only can I get to sleep sooner rather than later, but I also sleep more soundly and wake more refreshed,  My mind and my body relax together and I get the sleep I need, not a set number of hours per say, but enough that I feel energized and able to accomplish whatever I need during the day. 

I would love to hear from you about what you do to get your brain to stop talking to itself  It is sharing that helps us all.   

Here is hoping you have a good night's rest. 
 

I Can Handle Everything...

These are the first few words of a quote a friend gave me one day at the office on a day we were both handling a number of unusual client and administrative requests.

“I can handle everything life throws at me. I can either handle it well or handle it bad; either way I have to handle it. “

I can’t see anything but truth in this thought. It is really a very empowering statement for anyone. As life comes along, whether it drags or seems to be speeding along, we each get to handle it. What we receive may be something big, demanding our highest level of attention and efforts or so small we handle it so quickly we hardly notice it was there.

We may not even handle similar life events or recurring situations the same way each time, yet somehow we handle it each time. Sometimes we handle what life gives us with a smile, sometimes with a groan and occasionally with deep emotion, but we handle it. Most times we walk away with the knowledge we were at our best and successful while occasionally we walk away wishing we could have done more or found a better way to handle the moments. No matter how it is measured on the spectrum, we did handle it. We handled it, made it through and stood ready for the next thing life was preparing.

Thankfully, we do not always have to handle life alone. Along with everything life throws us to handle, life also throws us friends, family and teachers that can aid us. We may still handle the majority of things life throws us on our own terms, in our own way, based on our our own experiences but we are better armed than we might have otherwise been because of the people life put in place for us to reach out to, lean on or on a rare occasion even hand the problem to and trust they can handle it for us.

I encourage everyone to realize that no matter what life throws at us, whether it is something we look forward to and prepare for something that takes us completely by surprise, we can handles. We are naturally armed with everything we need.  The only variable is whether we handle it well, alright or less than perfectly.  In the end we will handle it in some way.