Imposter Syndrome - You're Okay

 

A friend of mine posted an intriguing question on Facebook. “Do you ever get imposter syndrome, like you just don’t feel you measure up to what you are meant to do and hope no one finds out? 

I found the following definition from Wikipedia:  Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor
phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their skills, talents, or accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud". Despite external evidence of their competence, those experiencing this phenomenon remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve all they have achieved.

My initial feeling was to simply reply, that yes, I had experienced these feelings on many occasions.  As I thought about those occasions and information learned over the years, I felt impressed to share a little more about the different reasons people experience a form of what is described above. 

No matter how you define it, the overall feelings are negative.  Stress grows and can easily lead to feelings of total despair and/or depression.  Some people have expressed that it feels like being a failure.  Others have stated it often feels like being of no worth.  Some have told me the feelings are more like a child who has been caught in a lie.  One person described a feeling of living in a make-believe world he couldn’t escape.  Common feelings that have been shared include self-doubt, fear, apprehension, lack of self-esteem, false beliefs and loss or lack of faith in change.    Many of these feelings are also where the feelings which preceded the feeling of being unreal.

I can’t explain all the reasons people experience these emotions, but I can explain a few that I or others have found contribute. 

One of the first reasons we may look at is the human tendency to compare ourselves to others.  No two people are exactly alike, have the same experiences, same opportunities or the same combination of strengths and weaknesses.  It follows then that no two people will have the same life.  We are often encouraged to look for those that appear successful, on occasion even being influenced to see a particular person as such or someone we should desire to be like.  Who are we looking at?  What are we looking at or for? The natural next step is to start looking at what they have you or I may not – a lifestyle, a large home, a reported net worth, a supposed social following or even acquaintance with others we believe are successful.  Comparison nearly always is based on a false belief that for someone to be a winner, anyone not exactly like them must be less than, a loser. 

A second reason many people experience a feeling of being an imposter is because they live life with expectations.   We see or hear success stories and believe that we too can do just what they have.  Myself, I know belief and hope is good.  The reason many get discouraged is when expectations are not met as we imagined or planned.  It is important to remember every thing and every one is not on, nor should be, on the same time schedules. What occurs quickly for one, may take time for another.  Growth, learning and experience don’t come about by demand, they come with time, patience, effort and sometimes endurance.  Expectation is the opposite of trust and faith.  It is not surprising when we start to expect a certain result, at a certain time, in a certain way that we lose trust that things are progressing and occurring in a perfect way at any given moment.  Expectations, unmet, changed or different that planned breed feelings of failure, or not being or becoming what we expected to be, an imposter or pretender. 

Another important element I see that is important to think about is whether one is living authentically, being the unique individual he/she is or has always been.  Living authentically means being true to our values and true beliefs of right or wrong.  When our values and choices are out of alignment, it is not surprising we may, and probably do, feel as though we are an imposter, someone we aren’t, or perhaps don’t deep within want to become, even though our efforts are currently focused in a certain direction or path.  Perhaps we looked up to someone as a guide, a mentor, someone who we believed had answers and wisdom we felt we needed or someone we thought we wanted to be.  Yet as time progresses, we begin to see some of what we saw was in many aspects an illusion.  As we learn and experience on our own terms, our own ways we begin to question whether we are willing to change our values, personal strengths, and abilities to become like someone else.  A person who is filled with excitement and warmth in learning tools he/she can call upon to enrich and empower those around him, would struggle internally in thinking he must use those same tools and knowledge to persuade, manipulate, control, or take advantage of another person to reach a particular level of perceived success.  If love and making connection with others is an inherent part of their being/personality it makes sense they may feel unreal if they choose to aspire to a level of defined success that requires them to be distant, professional, or uncaring of how their actions or words affect others.   It is important that we love ourselves.  If we lose love for self it follows that we may feel we must force ourselves or pretend to love and serve others. 

The last thing I would take the time to note is that imposter syndrome can be a result of choices that at this moment we question. Perhaps at a previous time we may have felt inspired to make a particular choice, to set a particularly high goal,  Yet life did not go as anticipated.  A challenge came up, a life or relationship changed, and now we feel overwhelmed.  We find ourselves asking “What was I thinking?  How could I have said, Yes?”   We question who we are, what we are doing, how and why.   Perhaps the choice was to make an investment in education or a property, yet on this day we see a shortage on the return.  Things are harder, taking longer or not progressing as we hoped or visualized. It doesn’t mean we give up, but we may struggle with stress over whether we have done enough or long enough. 

So why do I take the time to share these thoughts with you? Because I want you to know and understand that if you are experiencing any of these feelings- you are Okay.  There is nothing wrong with you.    You are just being human. According to Valerie Young, during a TED Talk given June 5,2017,  over 70% (seventy percent) of people experience these feelings.   I want you to know that if you can recognize and embrace your feelings you can move through them.  Whatever you want to call the arrival of these feelings, impostor phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience, it is an opportunity.  Something or someone, a high source, your inner knowing or  your consciousness is telling you it is time to review. 

Stop. Place your hands over your heart. Listen to hear.  Breathe. Rethink and reevaluate.  Pray.  In other words whatever works for you is perfect.  Then step wherever you are inspired and keep stepping along until the next time.