Five (5) Reasons to Not Let Depression Control You

"Depression is a common mental disorder. Globally, it is estimated that 5% of adults suffer from the disorder. It is characterized by persistent sadness and a lack of interest or pleasure in previously rewarding or enjoyable activities. It can also disturb sleep and appetite. Tiredness and poor concentration are common. Depression is a leading cause of disability around the world and contributes greatly to the global burden of disease. The effects of depression can be long-lasting or recurrent and can dramatically affect a person’s ability to function and live a rewarding life." (as defined by the World Health Organization (WHO))

As someone who has experience from personally experiencing depression during different periods of life, as well as assisting others through challenges, I have learned to be open to recognizing behaviors and thoughts which often accompany or proceed depression.   I have found many times, if we can identify the beginning of our particular cycles we can better manage the depths of despair.  I have also seen, in most cases, having a reason to stay in control  of emotions greatly increases the ability to more quickly cope and overcome feelings of depression.  Below are 5 reasons that people have identified as helpful.   

1. Family – It can be very vexing to loved one’s when you are depressed. On one hand they want nothing but the best for you, but on the other they sometimes get frustrated and wonder why you can’t simply snap out of it. It can be particularly hard on children of someone with depression as it may affect their outlook on life for many years to come. Having experienced this myself, I can say definitely this the number one reason to fight your depression.
2. Work - Work life generally suffers when in the throes of depression. It is more difficult to concentrate and not as easy to create and maintain good professional working relationships and partnerships. Furthermore, it makes being a “Self-starter” more unlikely. Rather than moving forward, maintaining the status-quo becomes more acceptable, even if only unconsciously. 
3. Love – The love life of a person with depression can suffer tremendously. Regardless of How much someone may profess their dedication to another person, if the other person can never see the bright side, it can wear on them. Life is short, right? Love conquers A WHOLE LOT, but it doesn’t conquer everything. Sometimes we must add internal fortitude to love to truly be invincible. Besides isn’t it better to fight, not just for you, but for this person that you love as well?
4. Health – University studies have proven that people who are depressed are more likely to get sick, and more likely to die of an illness than those who are content. It is in your benefit, health wise, to fight your depression as well. A recent New York Times article, citing a University study, indicated that persons who have been diagnosed as depressed have more hospital visits, and a shorter lifespan.
5. Prosperity – The depressed person sometimes lacks clarity of thought, and may miss golden opportunities to improve their lives if only they had been paying attention. This may be, perhaps, the most important point, since many people believe they would be happier if only this part of their life, or that part of their life, etc was different. Allowing good things to happen in your life might just give you the jump start needed to end the cycle of depression and self imposed-isolation (even if only figuratively).

Fighting depression can actually be a reward in many ways.  You become stronger, both mentally and physically.  As you fight and win, you feel more self-esteem.  This flows over into performing better a work.  As you feel better about yourself, you create better relationships and can focus on what is reallyimportant in life so you can improve it, for yourself, your family, friends and loved ones.  

Imposter Syndrome, Ten Steps to Overcome

 I thought of writing my own thoughts about how to overcome or deal with the feelings of imposter syndrome, but as I was researching ideas, I came across this article.  I don't think I could improve on what she suggests.  The only way to change our feelings is to change our thinking.  Please enjoy the following:  

10 STEPS YOU CAN USE TO OVERCOME IMPOSTOR SYNDROME

In my more than three decades of speaking and leading workshops on Impostor Syndrome, I’ve spoken to an estimated 500,000 people.

Up until just a few years ago, I always ended my talks by giving audiences a list of ten ways to combat impostor syndrome.

Audience evaluations were overwhelmingly positive. The one criticism? “I wish she’d given us more solutions.”

Or during the Q&A someone would come up to the mic and say, “This was great… but do you have any other solutions?”

My response was always, “Of the 10 things I just gave you, what have you tried so far?”

To which they’d invariably reply, “Well, nothing – I just wondered if there’s anything else we can do?”

I spent years thinking, “I just gave them TEN things to do! Is it them? Is it me? What am I missing?”

Then one day it hit me.

What people want is to walk into the room feeling like an impostor and to walk out of the room not feeling like an impostor. 

That’s not how it works. In fact, feelings are the last to change.

So now, before I even get to the solutions, I make sure my audience understands that people who don’t feel like impostors are no more intelligent or capable than the rest of us.

The only difference between them and us is that during that same situation that triggers an impostor feeling in us, they think different thoughts. That’s it, folks.

Which is really good news — because it means all we have to do is learn to think like a non-impostor.

And because impostor feelings are indeed the last to change, today I make sure everyone understands that…

The only way to stop feeling like an impostor is to stop thinking like an impostor.

Today I give my audiences three simple but non-negotiable strategies. And they’re much happier.

(You can hear about them in a super short 6-minute TED talk I gave at TED headquarters in New York.) 

However, over the years people have asked about my original ten steps. So, here you go!

1. 1. Break the silence. Shame keeps a lot of people from “fessing up” about their fraudulent feelings. Knowing there’s a name for these feelings and that you are not alone can be tremendously freeing. 
   2. Separate feelings from fact. There are times you’ll feel stupid. It happens to everyone from time to time. Realize that just because you may feel stupid, doesn’t mean you are.
   3. Recognize when you should feel fraudulent.  A sense of belonging fosters confidence. If you’re the only or one of a few people in a meeting, classroom, field, or workplace who look or sound like you or are much older or younger, then it’s only natural you’d sometimes feel like you don’t totally fit in. Plus if you’re the first woman, people of color, or person with a disability to achieve something in your world, e.g. first VP, astronaut, judge, supervisor, firefighter, honoree, etc. there’s that added pressure to represent your entire group. Instead of taking your self-doubt as a sign of your ineptness, recognize that it might be a normal response to being on the receiving end of social stereotypes about competence and intelligence. 
   4. Accentuate the positive. The good news is being a perfectionist means you care deeply about the quality of your work. The key is to continue to strive for excellence when it matters most, but don’t persevere over routine tasks and forgive yourself when the inevitable mistake happens. 
   5. Develop a healthy response to failure and mistake making. Henry Ford once said, “Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.” Instead of beating yourself up for falling short, do what players on the losing sports team do and glean the learning value from the loss and move on reminding yourself, “I’ll get ’em next time.”
   6. Right the rules. If you’ve been operating under misguided rules like, “I should always know the answer,” or “Never ask for help” start asserting your rights. Recognize that you have just as much right as the next person to be wrong, have an off-day, or ask for assistance. 
   7. Develop a new script. Become consciously aware of the conversation going on in your head when you’re in a situation that triggers your Impostor feelings. This is your internal script. Then instead of thinking, “Wait till they find out I have no idea what I’m doing,” tell yourself “Everyone who starts something new feels off-base in the beginning. I may not know all the answers but I’m smart enough to find them out.” Instead of looking around the room and thinking, “Oh my God everyone here is brilliant…. and I’m not” go with “Wow, everyone here is brilliant – I’m really going to learn a lot!”
   8. Visualize success. Do what professional athletes do. Spend time beforehand picturing yourself making a successful presentation or calmly posing your question in class. It sure beats picturing impending disaster and will help with performance-related stress. 
   9. Reward yourself. Break the cycle of continually seeking °© and then dismissing °© validation outside of yourself by learning to pat yourself on the back.
   10. Fake it ‘til you make it. Now and then we all have to fly by the seat of our pants. Instead of considering “winging it” as proof of your ineptness, learn to do what many high achievers do and view it as a skill. The point of the worn-out phrase, fake it til you make it, still stands: Don’t wait until you feel confident to start putting yourself out there. Courage comes from taking risks. Change your behavior first and allow your confidence to build. 

   You are welcome to reprint this post with the bio below.

About Valerie Young

Impostor Syndrome Institute co-founder Valerie Young, Ed.D. is widely recognized as the leading expert on impostor syndrome, Starting in 1985 Valerie has delivered her highly solution-oriented and surprisingly upbeat message to over half a million people around the world at such diverse organizations as Google, Pfizer, IBM, Boeing, YUM!, Carrier, Microsoft, Intel, Chrysler, PWC (UK), Facebook, BP, TRowe Price, McDonald's (Europe), Liberty Mutual, Dell, NASA, and the National Cancer Institute as well as at over 100 universites in the US, Canada, Japan, Europe, and the UK including Stanford, Harvard, MIT, and Oxford. Her career-related advice has been featured in Time, Newsweek, Science, The Wall Street Journal, BBC radio, and other business and popular media around the world. Her award-winning book The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer from Impostor Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It (Crown Business) is available in six languages.

Imposter Syndrome - You're Okay

 

A friend of mine posted an intriguing question on Facebook. “Do you ever get imposter syndrome, like you just don’t feel you measure up to what you are meant to do and hope no one finds out? 

I found the following definition from Wikipedia:  Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor
phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their skills, talents, or accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud". Despite external evidence of their competence, those experiencing this phenomenon remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve all they have achieved.

My initial feeling was to simply reply, that yes, I had experienced these feelings on many occasions.  As I thought about those occasions and information learned over the years, I felt impressed to share a little more about the different reasons people experience a form of what is described above. 

No matter how you define it, the overall feelings are negative.  Stress grows and can easily lead to feelings of total despair and/or depression.  Some people have expressed that it feels like being a failure.  Others have stated it often feels like being of no worth.  Some have told me the feelings are more like a child who has been caught in a lie.  One person described a feeling of living in a make-believe world he couldn’t escape.  Common feelings that have been shared include self-doubt, fear, apprehension, lack of self-esteem, false beliefs and loss or lack of faith in change.    Many of these feelings are also where the feelings which preceded the feeling of being unreal.

I can’t explain all the reasons people experience these emotions, but I can explain a few that I or others have found contribute. 

One of the first reasons we may look at is the human tendency to compare ourselves to others.  No two people are exactly alike, have the same experiences, same opportunities or the same combination of strengths and weaknesses.  It follows then that no two people will have the same life.  We are often encouraged to look for those that appear successful, on occasion even being influenced to see a particular person as such or someone we should desire to be like.  Who are we looking at?  What are we looking at or for? The natural next step is to start looking at what they have you or I may not – a lifestyle, a large home, a reported net worth, a supposed social following or even acquaintance with others we believe are successful.  Comparison nearly always is based on a false belief that for someone to be a winner, anyone not exactly like them must be less than, a loser. 

A second reason many people experience a feeling of being an imposter is because they live life with expectations.   We see or hear success stories and believe that we too can do just what they have.  Myself, I know belief and hope is good.  The reason many get discouraged is when expectations are not met as we imagined or planned.  It is important to remember every thing and every one is not on, nor should be, on the same time schedules. What occurs quickly for one, may take time for another.  Growth, learning and experience don’t come about by demand, they come with time, patience, effort and sometimes endurance.  Expectation is the opposite of trust and faith.  It is not surprising when we start to expect a certain result, at a certain time, in a certain way that we lose trust that things are progressing and occurring in a perfect way at any given moment.  Expectations, unmet, changed or different that planned breed feelings of failure, or not being or becoming what we expected to be, an imposter or pretender. 

Another important element I see that is important to think about is whether one is living authentically, being the unique individual he/she is or has always been.  Living authentically means being true to our values and true beliefs of right or wrong.  When our values and choices are out of alignment, it is not surprising we may, and probably do, feel as though we are an imposter, someone we aren’t, or perhaps don’t deep within want to become, even though our efforts are currently focused in a certain direction or path.  Perhaps we looked up to someone as a guide, a mentor, someone who we believed had answers and wisdom we felt we needed or someone we thought we wanted to be.  Yet as time progresses, we begin to see some of what we saw was in many aspects an illusion.  As we learn and experience on our own terms, our own ways we begin to question whether we are willing to change our values, personal strengths, and abilities to become like someone else.  A person who is filled with excitement and warmth in learning tools he/she can call upon to enrich and empower those around him, would struggle internally in thinking he must use those same tools and knowledge to persuade, manipulate, control, or take advantage of another person to reach a particular level of perceived success.  If love and making connection with others is an inherent part of their being/personality it makes sense they may feel unreal if they choose to aspire to a level of defined success that requires them to be distant, professional, or uncaring of how their actions or words affect others.   It is important that we love ourselves.  If we lose love for self it follows that we may feel we must force ourselves or pretend to love and serve others. 

The last thing I would take the time to note is that imposter syndrome can be a result of choices that at this moment we question. Perhaps at a previous time we may have felt inspired to make a particular choice, to set a particularly high goal,  Yet life did not go as anticipated.  A challenge came up, a life or relationship changed, and now we feel overwhelmed.  We find ourselves asking “What was I thinking?  How could I have said, Yes?”   We question who we are, what we are doing, how and why.   Perhaps the choice was to make an investment in education or a property, yet on this day we see a shortage on the return.  Things are harder, taking longer or not progressing as we hoped or visualized. It doesn’t mean we give up, but we may struggle with stress over whether we have done enough or long enough. 

So why do I take the time to share these thoughts with you? Because I want you to know and understand that if you are experiencing any of these feelings- you are Okay.  There is nothing wrong with you.    You are just being human. According to Valerie Young, during a TED Talk given June 5,2017,  over 70% (seventy percent) of people experience these feelings.   I want you to know that if you can recognize and embrace your feelings you can move through them.  Whatever you want to call the arrival of these feelings, impostor phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience, it is an opportunity.  Something or someone, a high source, your inner knowing or  your consciousness is telling you it is time to review. 

Stop. Place your hands over your heart. Listen to hear.  Breathe. Rethink and reevaluate.  Pray.  In other words whatever works for you is perfect.  Then step wherever you are inspired and keep stepping along until the next time. 

Change Your Mindset - Experience Hope

This poster, which someone posted to Facebook last year, is a great reminder to think about how we talk about life as it happens to us or around us.  Do you, like I, sometimes catch yourself feeling as though there is no end to the troubles or no way you can accomplish something?  Have you ever been stuck in any of the feelings on the white squares?  I know I have, sometimes for several days at a time. If you are anything like me, those feelings and words are energy draining.   

So, what do I do? I look around me for the good. It is always there, waiting for me to acknowledge that hope exists.  Then I, as this suggests, change the words I use.  In my experience you can't describe something good in a negative way.   Once I find something good in the circumstances, hope seems to expand to crowd out the negative and gratitude soon follows  

Would you mind if I share a few examples? Thank you.    

• I don't understand why my daughter must be sick so much, it doesn't seem fair.  On the other side, isn't it wonderful that she is here as an extra source of love for other family members?
• I give up.  My books aren't selling as I want. I can't write consistently because family circumstances keep getting in the way. However, writing feels exciting. Writing is one way I can reach out to others and offer encouragement. If my words touch one person to make their day a little better my efforts are of worth.  
• I can't make this any better.  Maybe I can't today and that is okay.  If I stop, for a moment and reflect, I recognize that what I have is already of value, already good.  If it weren't I wouldn't care about changing it. The good in the moment is the belief that change is possible. 
• I'm not good at this. Really? Not good or didn't I get the result I expected.  The good is I tried and learned. I may have learned something new or I may have learned something about myself, my wants, needs or feelings.  So maybe I wasn't as good as someone else in this subject or project, but I am good at learning, and can now make an informed choice whether to continue or try something else. 

I hope you will take a few moments to think about how your words affect you and how you can change how you use words.  Challenge yourself to change your mindset from negative to positive, from limiting to encouragement.   Let me know how it works for you. 

 

 I love this poster I found on Facebook. It hit home with me because I learned a long time ago that this is the best way for me to live my life. Others may disagree with me, but I share with hope it will make a difference for you. 

For me, challenges come frequently. Most days I have no idea what the day will bring or the mood of the people in my life. Many days, just making it to the end of the day can be a challenge in itself.

One thing I have learned to do is look for the good in the day or a moment. I seldom fail when looking, at the end of the day, to find a moment I can smile about. The older child had a difficult day, full of hateful words, frustration and chaos, but between these times of trial, there was a smile when she won a game or a smile when she ate a popsicle.    The younger child may have cried about nearly everything that happened, but I remember the laughter when the "Tickle Monster" threatened to find a smile inside. Yes, the day was full of interruptions and unplanned family needs, but among the needs fulfilled there was a chance to make a difference, change a mind, give encouragement, and offer a special act of love.  Perhaps I didn't get all the work done I had planned, but I did call a friend, sent a letter to a client, researched a question and attended a writing workshop.   

Today I challenge you to live only for today. No matter how your day ends, take a moment, and find a positive thought to end the day with. Look for a single moment that was worth remembering. For some, it may be just recognizing you got up today, brushed your hair, or took one more step today than yesterday.

Better Than Yesterday

"The only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday." Unknown

In my opinion, this quote contains, in few words, advice and wisdom everyone can use.

First it reminds us to not compare ourselves with others.  Comparing just emphasizes the perceived difference without taking into account the circumstances.  I recently was reminded of how quickly comparing ourselves to others can increase stress or depression, and lower self esteem. No two people are alike in every aspect of their being or circumstances, so comparison is never completely equal and always based on perception.    

Second it reminds us to look at who we were, are and who we might become or be.  What do we see in ourself that gives us joy?  What makes us feel fulfilled and of worth?  What are the traits we already possess we don't want or need to improve on?   What lessons, good or bad, have been important in assisting us in becoming the person we are today?    Is there something we think we could still learn or grow from?  Is there a talent, skill or personality trait we would like to build on or change in some way?  Do we even need to be better today than yesterday?  Everyday does not have to be a forward step.  I don't know about you, but I know I have days where just standing still and enjoying who and where I am at the moment without any change is a perfect day.    

Third it encourages us to keep looking for ways to improve ourselves.  It leaves the choice up to each person as to what we think would or could be better.  It doesn't have to be big.  Maybe it is a simple as smiling a little more today than yesterday. Maybe today we exercise one minute more than yesterday.  Maybe today is the day for a change in the color of lipstick or the cologne worn in order to lift a spirit.  Perhaps today is the day a new chapter in life begins.  There is always a way to move, and the choice, big or little, forward or back, is ours to make. 

I hope each of us can take a moment to see the good in ourselves and decide if we are great as we are or if we want to make an improvement.   Share what you find, either here or with a friend.  

Trust is Like A Paper

"Trust is like a piece of paper, once it's crumpled it can't be Perfect again."

I came across this quote in the spring of 2017 as I was reflecting on this blog. I thought about this often during the year as it applied to different members of my family and as different situations arose in relationships.   As I did I found, while I agreed with the thought that like the crumpled paper, trust might never be what it was before,  I believed strongly in the belief that it was still of value and worth trying to salvage. .   Just because trust had been crumpled and now had some wrinkles did not mean it's value was lost forever or it couldn't be used again or even recycled into something even more valuable to a relationship.

Trust is generally defined as :" firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something"  (Webster online dictionary)

While this definition may be generally accepted as what trust is, trust is much harder to explain.  Trust is based on fragile feelings which can change in an instant.  Trust can exist one moment and be lost the next as a result of a single choice.  Trust can be lost even when the decisions involved were made for the right reasons at the time or under the best circumstances.   Trust can also be regained just as quickly through communication and understanding.

This past year has been an up and down journey in trust with one of my granddaughters, particularly during times of strain between her and other family members, when they desired to shake the trust bonds between each of us.  Who was I was to believe or trust?  Did I trust my own feelings and experience in the situations or what others believed or  had been told?  As I reflect at the end of the year I can see that trust, not only with this granddaughter, but also other family members, looks much like the paper above.  Trust is not the perfect form many expect it to be, but is still whole.  It has some wrinkles but is still useful.  In some ways it is even less bland and more beautiful to look at because of the different lines and wrinkles that were not there before.

I encourage you to look at how trust works in your own life?  It is solid and perfect with some people while wrinkled and well used with others?  Although it has been changed, does it still exist in a new form?  What were the lessons learned, shared or created in the time between thinking something was destroyed and the process of  smoothing out or recycling the relationship?  Only you have the answers for you.